Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
