i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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