life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
