I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
