it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
