She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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