I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
