Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
