I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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