im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
