I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
