last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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