corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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