my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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