Will you blow on my dice?
I chose taco bell over sex...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
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No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
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OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?