I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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