dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
