I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
