turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
