Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
