In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
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