I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
