do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
