theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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