I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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