I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
