if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
