Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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