it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I believe in your delicious
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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