No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
