Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?