and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea