How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?