I think I won the penis lottery.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night