And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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