I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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