sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
