I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
