How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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