this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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