It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
