Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
