he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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