Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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