She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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