Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
