i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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