I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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