cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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