apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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