I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
