I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
