According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
