Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
