you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.