if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.