It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol